Meet me like the sunshine
grow with me like wine
Mysterious are our meetings..
A feeling filled with novelty
When was the last, that you spoke to me?
I wonder incredibly.
It's been like ages
though it's been only months..
I flip through these pages
reliving old stories just for once.
is it just the beginning or the end of a lifetime?
the sun still shines ablaze and the wine gets better with time.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Meet me like the sunshine
Monday, December 22, 2008
Location- I think it was "karol baug".
Having not slept on the train, which was Rajdhani by the way, I dont mean to brag, but yes, Rajdhani is by far the awesomest train travelling I've done my entire konkan railway life. :P
Too many commas in a row! Nehow. So yes, Rajdhani was a real treat. We had appy on the house for godssake! And very tiny and cute amul butter packets! I love! I love!
We went through the AC sleeper class, in which we did not sleep, yet managed to keep a straight face the next day, coz who are we kidding? We were in delhi, with complete freedom to do WHATEVER we wanted AND were liable to maybe just get a tell off from the professors! :)
But then it cant be that all good right?
There have to be room switching, gals crying over guys, who gets the bloody cigs? who fights with whom? where are thou nice huge rooms? why the seniors? where the mid-seniors? whats with the food? whats with the all girls shit? why five in a room? why not chuck sumone? who bring the foozebooze? who'll loses the wallet? and many other random shitty shit.
So we get the huge room. We are all there. It stinks. Like crazy. People sprawled on the floor, sofas, bathrooms, legs. everywhere. Had some extreme music playing. We made good nothings-at-all very good you know?
We went late, we got up late, we kicked,we yelled, we bathed in extreme chilly water, we made faces, we lost bags, we found them again, we settled, we yayed!
But I dont know why, the first day is still a blur. I just remember a few bits and pieces together. Where we stayed at 'Shivacontinental "facility" dutifully noted by mathews. And the others were at Hotel Rupam where we ate watery hot chinese soup which tasted awesome in the cold out there. It was a crazy time in delhi. Like proper NEW delhi. The roads there suck, the drivers there suck even more. Plus I really thot that you know a stroll in the weehours would do no harm but I guess I was entirely superbly wrong. There are lecherous lurkers, drunk by standers who stare wide eyed at your "essentials" ( "drunk" is the only possible way to survive the cold at night though) and a lot "unsafe" stuff out there.
So yes, Delhi in a blur was straight with a lot of emotional bitching and a lot of foozeboozin of the others. And for now, I pretty much dunno about the rest of the mates coz I wasn't really much invloved. But yeah, the rest all eight days are fun. All yay kinds.
okay freaks! lets move it!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
i dunno. it seems pretty hollow. kamath told me this yesterday " only hollow people know themselves very well" and i guess, im pretty sure, i know myself inside out by know.
im missing someone very very much. wish you were here.
but nehow, the point is, its you who is the problem and then all you can do is run away from things like usual. but that wouldnt give you a solution, so you come back, apologize but still feel the same way.
a very vague post i know, but then i guess i had to write it.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
with the brightness shining on you
I try to reach you with bare hands...
and you blow away in a puff!
I wonder if it was you
coming home with a feeling all new...
I believe you miss me
I've seen that picture of me
why dont you turn real?
I guess that wasnt our deal...
Just turn back for once
I'll capture that instance
just turn back for once...
I'll live that instance.
all I cared about was the rain.
remembering school days..
coming home all drenched
unaware of this pain,
awaiting the downpour...
remembering his touch that explained his every move
I tried to prove
that it was true
I knew that touch..
emotions on bargain
and it started raining again.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
so yes, a lot happened, like literally.
and there is a lot to tell, like literally.
I came back like 4-5 days ago but yet couldn't bring myself to write 'coz of awful happenings **awkward glance**
But nehow, now that I'm all cool and my arsenal fan's head doesnt hurt nemore, also my daughter is completely fine, while her supposed "pappa" was always okay, I think I can write to the fullest now.
So here it goes, I feel like elaborating the pre-delhi stuff right now and then giving a follow up on the post-delhi stuff.
my arsenal fan gave me good headlines for my blogs which I really have forgotten, so if you read this just gimme a call okay? :)
two days before we leave.
"why in god's name are you staring at a void?"
"I dunno, its just there"
"Have you gone nuts? I'm leaving in two days and I haven't seen you in an entire week"
"oh, you're leaving? where did so much time go?"
"you'd better meet me tomorrow"
This was my convo with singhania as she was completely lost in her post break-up dilemma.
We both hadn't realised that I had to leave and that it needed clothes and toothbrush and wierd warm clothes and packing. So I ask my sis about what to carry for the trip and she goes beserk realising that there are just two days left and I have nothing that I should have.
Plus with all the terrorists and thier bloody ways made it quite impossible to predict whether we were going or not. So she neway makes a list and then makes me spend my money to get all of it (I'm not complaining) and then does "check" on whatever I have and a "cross" on whatever I don't which included bandaids by the way that gave loads of help on the trip. Now see you wonder what's with the "check" and "cross", just a tiny remark on my sister's everything-should-be-planned state. :P (do not strangle me in my sleep. please, pretty please! )
So yeah, everything's set the morning I have to leave, 'coz well I'm lazy and I DO not like packing at all. Singhania does not show up so I go to meet her, she lies at home and comes to andheri station and gets caught by the TC, who calls up at her place and all that. So I still dunno why she had to lie even though she was coming to meet me, prolly I'm banned at her place now. nehow.
So yeah, I do meet her. The goodbyes are done. I go all the way to f!@#$@# marine lines to meet the awasthi but he is unavailable. :( he makes it up by coming ONto the train the next day, scaring the shit outta me. arora helped a lot with all my blues. :)
But yeah neway, I wished to leave from here, 'coz I wanted a break. And it was all coz of my beloved daughter that it happened. God bless the telephone and kiwi and nidhi ma'am.
So yeah. That's pretty much the before story with all of my crappy loneliness shit and wanting to get out of bombay for "reasons" and then convincing myself to go on the trip 'coz well I really doubted the company I was gona have with all my ppl, but it turned out elsewise and I had complete character change that made me laugh on kamath's wierdest jokes, actually take pics for kiwi, and admire the slimness of "whatever"! :P
so yeah, 9 more blogs coming up. I blog for each day that I spent with all the variety of ppl with all the variety of experiences.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
prolly its a good thing im going away for a while, but i guess i'd have been more comfy with different "stuff".
but the trip is good for me, i guess. some time off. and prolly it will be good for others too i guess, there will be a little less to worry about, more to chill.
nehoo, adios for a while now. will be back with a delhi cold.
ra ra rasputin...
lover of the russian queen..
there was a cat that really was gone
ra ra rasputin..
russias greatest love machine....
will miss things around here. :(
Saturday, November 29, 2008
it was an innate feeling. i wanted them to like me, be nice to me, say good things about me..always wanted some guy to have a crush on me, hate a girl and not have her hate me back. prolly try to be the miss goody-two-shoes. but then i learnt, that this, is bullshit.
coz however goody goody you are, you're always gona be evil. like "always".
its more of a reflex than a emotion. being evil that is.
i do get jealous.
i do make mistakes and hide behind the sheets.
i do cry.
i do sin.
i do react.
i do get angry.
when the world hates you
and you hate it back
when you wish you were a pigeon
with the wings that you lack
a feeling of love
a feeling of sanctity
am i too desperate to ask for it?
Thursday, November 27, 2008
arent they aware? Or will we just see them burning effigies and buses two days later against some another community?
This is absolutely disgusting. killing people, terrorising them, just for some goddamned wants of thiers. with these TV reporters hyping everything in sight, showing the same horrible scenes again and again, getting thier cameramen shot, yelling on top of thier voices talking to bloody good-for-nothing politicians!
madness this is, just utter madness.
die you mongrels! die!
Monday, November 24, 2008
i shopped crazy for these crazy people where i'd expected just 5 of them to be there and instead there were 15 of them!! haah. i had such suprises today! plus it was an entirely wierd experience with 5 guys lifting me and throwing me literally 18 times on the floor!!
ahh! that hurt, with anku being a part of it!! :(
i had an amazing cake with awesome manchurian balls! (not in combination though, coz thats just gross! ew! ) with so much to drink though it got all over in an hour! those hogs!
ah, it was one nice party though.
loved every bit. im gona get nostalgic about it real soon. :(
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
but seriously whats with this no-friendship thing?
and now you would go ahead and tell me that psychologically and technically we all live and breathe for sex, but once for now, cant we not think of sex and just friendship? just plain-white-flag- friendship?
is it impossible?
or do we just hate non-sex couples?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
i mean why? with so much of pressure of keeping each other happy and then the "issues"!
but now cmon what is the big deal if two people care about each other more, is it like a crime nowadays? heh. i mean my frnds going thru shit coz of this and i cant do any damned thing for her. aarrgghh.
nehow. dont wana elaborate on this.
so nehow, been having so much going on i really have no idea where to begin and end with.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
is there a world?
right below the earth
is there a world?
right underneath your clothes
is there a soul?
a world i know? a world i believe?
is it a question, that needs answers?
or just a question?
way beyond the depth
way ahead of the surface
is there existence?
i come to you
oh, take me.
We passed upon the stair, we spoke in was and when
Although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise, I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
so I'm sitting on my window muttering to myself about how strong i am, and that i can take this, all of this. in one go. but i cant, why? i have no freaking idea.
Im losing out on people. people whom i love the most, care about. and its my mistake, all mine.
ah. neway, so now i accept and move on. like always. just hold me if i fall.
Now I see,
this is the way it's supposed to be
I met you and now I see
This is the way it should be..
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
I'll have to believe
the love that we share
the love that we care
is there...yes..its all there.
it makes my eyes wet
to have seen you go
its all set
you have to go
the only thing i wana know
the only thing i wana feel
the love that you are, the love that you are.
now i have to know, now i have to say..
i'll wait for you
i'll wait for you.
the only few things that matter the most, that you love the most is what you need the most, is what makes you the most.
marine drives looks beautiful at sunset.
will miss you.
Monday, October 27, 2008
I saw a figure
I moved on
I laughed on a joke
I saw a figure
the laughter didnt last long
I wandered along the streets
through the crowd
I saw a figure, I said "hi"
and moved on.
A span of time passed
I looked behind
I saw you, not a figure.
I met my "friend"
And I've never looked back since.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
So when I look back to all those years of playing and teasing I always remember him never talking much. When I search the secrets now, I come to know, that well, mr bhat here has always been the shy introvert. When the last that id met him a few days ago, I realized the amount to which both of us have grown, to be adults. Yes, adults. We make good friends as well, both can talk to each other even with all the year gaps. Its been ages now that I know him, of his existence, of his being the cricket lover. But, well, I didn’t know him, know him. But now that we have developed the sms factor as a very good (but expensive) way of communication its rather more easy to get to know each other.
Being the introvert that he is, he sure is still expressive when he wants to be. The fun that he has playing cricket or eating masala dosa after a long time is pretty much an evident streak of being expressive. And I still want to know how did he get so damned good at hindi? When? How?
And he writes so well in poems! The hindi omg! I dunno so much of hindi! Haha! While we still live in different states altogether, its rather more appealing to talk like this then meet regularly, distance gives this one good training period. Heh! Hes the one person that I always knew would become something, someone. The dedication that he has towards his work, well it actually made me jealous at times!!
He’s still somebody I don’t know much, but yet still know him a lot. A weird sentence, but yet true.
you remember the times we played cricket on your verandah? You guys always made me the fielder! Humph! And I got to say that you pretty much have a very good defense mechanism. You’re a good debater. I like talking to you about things, coz I know your listening and reacting and not thinking about some good masala dosa or counting stars on the back of your mind. :)
you always take a day to normalize though. Yes, always. I guess always that we’ve met the year gaps had been a lot. So maybe the hesitance. When I asked you about acceptance, you said you don’t accept easily. But eventually I guess you do. I was like that too. A lil stubborn about things. But then things change and people change, things that matter the more, change. :)
And now that you have a good fan follower of chiks around you, you’ve loosened up a bit! Haha! That’s good though you know. But I'm very sure, that you’re not of the experimental kind. Your more of the secure guy. And I cannot believe it that you had mango pastry? Pphhbbbtt!! :P im writing this listening to that yuuvraaj ka song and I remembered how you love a.r rehman! I do too!! Anyhoo.
Ur still an unfolded piece of paper that is taking time to open. But I'm sure, the paper will be plain soon enough! (good line, I know!)
And thank you again, for the poem, it was beautiful. All me! All me!
Yahoo doesn’t work here though still *angel with the wings*
oh it worked!!
And the heavens were rolling
Like a wheel on a track
And our sky was unfolding
And itll never fold back
Sky blue and black
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I asked one of my friends,” what are feelings?” he replied, “umm..they are the things we…well..feel.” “ oh thanks”. When I read it in the dictionary it said, sense of touch, capacity to feel. The same thing.
What I couldn’t understand was whether all that I experinced in my day to day life, all that I blog about, are feelings? Well, yea I guess. My whining over being fat, thoughts of loving someone, unusual crying over losing someone, bringing myself to acceptance, feeling a song…my song. They are all, feelings. My feelings. I made myself believe a lot of things in the past, that big girls don’t cry, boys never cry, fathers don’t express as much as mothers,after a certain age you don’t like the color pink…don’t go yelping with joy over a box of chocolates. But now that I see this set of emotions, I don’t understand who made these beliefs? And why did I believe them? Why cant I act crazy at times over listening to my favorite song, lick and slourp ice cream on my hands? I can and I don’t want to “believe” things anymore. I want to feel, express.not to overwhelm myself, but to be myself.
I never knew I could emote sadness, I rather am very oblivious to physical pain to cry over it, but maybe not very strong to handle emotional pain. I probably know to control myself very well, but for a while. Just for a while. I let myself go after two years of bottling things in me. Not that it made me feel any good, just the feeling of…feelings.
I remember the times when I stood by the rail doors while commuting and thinking. Theres this one place in local trains near the door where I can stand and think. Or just stay blank, and believe me I can never go blank elsewise.
There was this one feeling of emptiness that took me over when I thought about relationships. I wondered whether I was any attatched to any one in my life. My family, friends, guys. And there were these selected people who swam around in my thoughts immediately. A few people who are close and I felt some sort of possessive protection for them. I don’t know whether its love or just mere attatchment. But I know they exist and that I feel something for them. Some people that I hated even the sight of and some people that I craved and longed for. And feelings come and go, change every living second.
But they’re still there, I can sense them, know them, feel them.
I just wana feel real love
Feel the home that I live in.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
This one week of my life is special and has taught me things that other wise wouldn't have been very possible and I owe it to everybody who has ever loved me, cared for me or has even said a simple "hello" to me, genuinely.
It was unnatural leaving home in the middle of my vacation, the late hours of sleeping and usual office work. But then here I was, on a Saturday afternoon, collecting my cheque, and leaving for home mid-day, because I had to pack. I was supposed to leave in an hour and a half to catch my train to my native from Vashi Station. I rushed home to find everything in a mess with mum getting ready faster than us, appa not home yet, still no clothes to pack, while my sister was on the phone. Finally, things started happening with appa coming home and taking charge. After getting aboard, when the train gathered speed after Panvel I knew I was going away. I had the feeling of "departure". Though the mentioning of the damned streets of Vashi is essential here. No street lights! NO STREET LIGHTS! It scared the shit out of me! Just the bloody lightening and car lights for sight! How can the highway roads with oh-so-huge trucks drive along with no lights?!
Anyhow, coming back to my story. Yes, "departure". I suddenly somehow consciously knew that this journey was going to be different. At first I thought, that it probably would be different and difficult because I was going there for the first time after Vinayak's death. I hadn't been there, I didn't see it happen. I'll never forgive myself for not being there, whatever be the reasons for my absence. When we reach Karwar, there was an ambassador waiting for us. Aatya had sent one for us. It was mid-morning but yet pleasant as it was drizzling. And believe me, the drizzling with the surrounding there looks beautiful. Something like how moneri would look when it would rain. Will provide with a photu.
Yes, taken from the ambassador. Surprisingly, ambassadors are pretty spacious. I could not help but think of him all the way. There was this one time when he'd taken me to the cliffs near the beach and somehow everything was all coming back to me. I knew of his presence, I knew he was there, all the time.
We reached home during lunch time. Yes, I call it home. coz, that place is my home, the only place I can call "home". Probably my attire wasn't right, or the situation. But there was hesitance from all around. Gaju wasn't there yet, so I rather was thinking whom to talk to... coz, frankly, I felt alienated.
And that's when it struck. He wasn't there. He didn't appear out of nowhere. He didn't greet me with his usual, "Hi, something". There was no him, just his picture, just the sad look I could see in aatyas eyes every time I looked at her.
Everybody else was there. We had a bath, we desperately had to. Konkan Railway seats aren't germ-free or dust-free and we were very tired, bath was essential. I changed into a salwar suit, pinned up the chunni (well, yea, I was conscious) and put on a bindi. Something that I hadn't done in almost two years. I made my way in the mandir that is in our housing premises and saw appa already doing the "Alankar".
I'll explain. They were readying the goddess for the puja. It took about 3 hours to complete that, yes, 3 hours. Its a tedious job with the heat and obviously there was no fan in the mandir. But he didn't complain, he did it religiously with maani mava by his side assisting him. I could see him happy. That felt good.
After that the awkwardness had passed, we all talked and laughed and I became the deputy worker of the mandir with kusumakka as chief! :) All the akka's except sulabhakka, and all the kids except vinu and gaju were there.
Believe me, I've never done so much of work in my life before. I've never positioned myself in front of complete strangers, cracking coconuts, giving out tirth, sweeping and doing everything that I could. Mum was amazed, Appa was pleased, Akka was confused. Coz well, you know, I don't even pick up my own cup in our house. And with so much of physical activity of washing utensils, removing water out of the well, was well, kinda astonishing for them. But I did all of it. And I feel good about it. My legs ached like crazy that night. But it didn't matter. Somebody had to help, somebody would have done it, me or somebody else.
We got to sleep and got up next day real early for me. It was 7 30. And apparently the mandir is crowded since 5 30. Yes 5 30, in the morning. I did all I could to help and I know I did!
The day passed with the usual work, the unusual food for me. I don't really eat so much of rice, but then I was full, I was happy. I was home.
I actually enjoyed going back to the mandir after our late dinners and sweeping the devasthan, as they call it (or rather "we" :) ) and sweeping with the tiny little jhadu. I had assistance later of Mr. Gajanan :)
I had never been there for Navratri. This was my first time. And it was beautiful. The everyday 9 15 aarti in the night made it feel so mesmerizing. The diyas,the aarti, the alankar. It actually hurt to remove the beautiful alankar everyday.
There are so many people who come, religiously, everyday. That devotion, that passion, I've never seen before. The system doesn't make much sense, but it does shows faith. Faith that I don't have. Surprisingly. I believe, but there's no faith.
I did all that I did, for them, for appa, for him.
It made sense to me then.
I made myself known as "kumarannas maglu", that means "kumar's daughter".
Everybody whom I didn't know came and gave me blessings, coconuts, blouse pieces, dakshina, kumkum. It's a different world. Here nobody would even bother, whoever you are , whatever you do. Gaju came the next day. I had someone to talk to, I had someone to relate to. I'm not saying this because you're going to read this, but because you did work hard. Sitting in the mandir for hours together, shirtless! Barely that he got to wear it again, he was asked to remove it.
Hilarious, that was. Now, I had a friend I could talk to and this made the stay even more comfortable.
And then the food. I've never had so much of food altogether! Sirsiamma definitely thinks that our tummies are big churning machines. I remember the afternoons when me and kusumakka got tired and went inside to have isabgol.
I always knew that I could connect to this place, call it my home. And now I can.
and I miss him, more than I could ever imagine. I'll always love him. They way we all did and always will.
This one week gave me all the love and care I could ask for. Everything that I always wanted from my family. I felt complete. It brought me closer to them and to myself.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
“Where’s the newspaper?”
“It was a national holiday yesterday”
“Aren’t you going for a jog?”
“I haven’t read the newspaper yet.”
“And you wont, because there won’t be any newspaper coming in today. And besides I’m the one who’s the journalist with the need of the newspaper every single day”
“Err… but how can I go for a jog without reading the newspaper today?”
“We are on a vacation. Rhea and the others will be up soon, I just came to wake you up and tell you that I love you and you’re fretting about the newspaper!”
“I’m sorry! But I hadn’t thought this through” muttering, Karan sat down on the bed looking pensive and irritated.
“Hon, I really don’t get you sometimes. Are you all right?”
“Aaina, umm…well you see I-
“Hey you guys, we’re just going down the lake for a jog…karan you want to join us?” Rhea popped in looking very much like a bubble-gum in the pink jogging suit.
“I think Mr. Weirdo here might join you in 5 minutes love”.
“Sure, we’ll wait outside.”
“Hon, you were saying?”
“Aaina, listen love, you know how bad I am at this romantic stuff and its just been wonderful being with you these two years…but-
“Karan are you breaking up with me? Coz if you are then lemme tell you-
“What? No! I’m not breaking up with you, oh my where did you get that?”
“You said ‘but’!”
“But, I still think that you and I even after knowing each other for only two years, are perfect for each other. Now does that sound like I’m breaking up with you?”
“Aww, I’m so sorry I’ve just seen you all jumpy and alert every time I tell you something, I thought maybe you were giving me some subtle hints…”
“ Well, no, I’m just paranoid about the newspaper”
“I wanted to read the papers before I went for a jog”
“Anyway, I’ll be back in sometime.”
“Shreya!! Can you come in here for a sec?”
“I’ll be right there! Yea temme”
“There’s definitely something wrong with Karan”
“Why? He seemed okay.”
“I dunno, I have this feeling that he’s up to something”
“What do you mean?”
“He was unnecessarily fretting about the newspaper not coming in today…if he’s going to be this peculiar about newspapers-
“Wait! Does he read newspapers in the loo?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“It could be that you know, guys are pretty vague about this stuff, like priyansh, he just has to have some sorta magazine when using the loo”
“Eww…Err...No, I don’t think that’s the problem.”
“He just seemed to talk about the newspaper because he was trying to hide something else maybe.”
“Ummm…was he reading any of the magazines borrowed from priyansh?”
“Oh god no!”
“Then maybe he has some sort of disease that he’s hiding! Or maybe you know he’s some undercover cop on a mission or worse he’s seeing someone else!!”
“For the love of god, shreya! Don’t put things in my head! Though you know he was saying that he loved me and all and he never usually says such things…I knew I should’ve spoken to rhea about this!”
“Hey come on! He could be a secret agent!”
“Oh shut up you…this is stupid, im worrying for no reason. He just likes newspapers that’s all.”
“Okaaay, if you say so”
“Ah. Go away you!”
Folding the clothes roughly and throwing them in the cabinet was somehow not the best way to fight frustration. She tried making eggs for him and the others, sunny side-up, just the way he likes it. Thinking she’d prolly ask him at breakfast what’s the matter. She burnt some while thinking of him having an affair and then cursing shreya for her vague ideas.
It was 6 30 in the morning, they were all friends on a vacation and the paperboy didn’t come in till 7 30, then why would Karan panic and ask for the newspaper at 6 in the morning?
There was something fishy.
Maybe he just wants a little bit of comic relief from snoopy or a look at those hot Hollywood-
No, just comic relief. Snoopy it is.
Or maybe he had some of Priyansh’s magazines. That’s not possible…Karan won’t...oh god! I’m going to kill shreya.
Karan was back at 7 30.
“Why do you look so happy, why?”
“Relax babe, don’t you want the man you love to be happy?” said Karan, tasting the eggs out of the pan.
“‘Course I do. I love you and I want you to be happy…(silently)…Even if it means reading priyansh’s magazines…”
“I didn’t catch that last bit?” said Karan entering the loo.
“ Oh nothing I’m just muttering to me, myself you know…generally”
“Somebody’s at the door Aaina!”
“I heard that!”
A loud sound of flushing.
Aaina opens the door to find the newspaper at the doorstep.
She picks it up looking confused to see why there was a newspaper sitting in front of her door after a national holiday plus with no smiling paperboy…
“What’s all this?”
She opens the newspaper to find the middle page blank with only a few words written in large fonts that immediately took her by surprise.
“WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
P.S. I know you like surprises.
Monday, September 29, 2008
i can see changes. in me, in a lot of other things that is very amusing.
had a day today. woke up in the morning to learn that I'm going to be living alone after 7 years. random i know, but very obvious too. then i go ahead to this beauty "clinic" and really had a good time there with mum( i know i was surprised too). I then visited bandra again with lavi. with a lot of philandering of window shopping, we got in an expensive anita dongre collection looking all shabby with unkempt hair and sweat patches all over that the staff were extra vigilant at our entry and we certainly made an early exit there. But the jewellery there was extremely beautiful(not that id buy any of it) but they just look good to look at.
we then browsed into AND another anita dongre collection which sells chic stuff. It felt good to just look and drool. and we kept reassuring each other- "one day", "yes, one day".
we walked along hill road, saw some attractive bags, bascically just doing girly stuff. then we come across this golawala that claims to be the cleanest (and expensive) golawala ever. and believe me, its good. its called some googla shit thats a supposed copy of "google" (which didnt sound really amusing but it did show effort) and they had amazing peach and plum and leechi flavours with plastic sticks and not the usual lakdi ones.
it was a real treat.
plus these bloody chappal walas! omg! we saw these real good black pair of heels that we liked at linking road (fuf!) and he cliamed them to be for 550 bucks. omg. then lavi bargains at a hell bent price of 150. and he agrees, he bloody agrees. we didnt buy them later on but it was just very amusing with all the sudden change in decision within a matter of like seconds.
"550 ka hai"
"kya bhaiyya, itna jyada?"
"arre madam yehi price hai! aap kitna doge?"
"arre madam, chalo 445 de do"
"acha chalo 300 mein le lo"
"madam last price bolo"
"acha thik hai 200 mein, accha guaaarentee bhi hai madam"
"thik hai, pack kar du?"
have a day tomorrow too, lets see how that goes.
Friday, September 12, 2008
sam, you jackass.
oh hey. its you...so wassup?
isnt is annoying when ppl just outrightly ignore you? the above conversation is an example of what would happen if i took a step ahead myself.
have a freakishly bad cold and splitting headache. i know none of you dumbheads are gona call and check in, but whatever..
so i pretended a lot today that there are no exams in three days but it didnt really work much. coz i jus realised something called as my concious mind still very much is existing. And its started to scream in a very high pitched squeaky voice which is not very amusing to hear after a 124 times.
the city is going to the dogs by the way.
so much of litter on the streets! ppl please use things called as dustbins. and if you're gona retort that there are no dustbins around then pl make some. some empty box or can or whatever.
just dont litter.
its absolutely disgusting for ppl who like to breathe and not hold thier breaths till they pant for air.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
well, now i know i dont practically suck.
saw rock on today, and liked it. farhan akhtar now isnt farhan akhtar sitting besides saroj khan.
but really, i have this fantasy that the guy id be with, would sing for me. not in the everybody-is-staring-this-is-embarrasing kind of a thing. but yea, like take me by surprise and start singing for me.
and 'course he needs to know what song to sing. :)
when its dark
and i try to find you
you seem to get lost...
what if we all were floating in mid-air?
now dont judge me, i know im the girl who was supposedly looking like a girl today (said so by 5 ppl, 5 ppl!)
but yea. what if we were?
like all dangling in mid -air? wouldnt that be cool?
Friday, September 5, 2008
coz well, it aint that bad. not at all.
and also when your intestine feels all funny and very puky-loving, listening to sad songs doesnt help. just an advice. sumthn like never touch your eyes when youve touched chilli. yeah. sumthin like that.
so now that i bring on the topic of chillies, i had some sort of schezwan sauce last night. puky. so puky. with this very sad sizzler ordered at home. yes, sizzlers ordered at home. i know its stupid, but the i jus wanted to know whether it still sizzles at home after making it an hour before, then packed, put on a cycle and brought home. apparently, it doesnt. plus it even tastes bad. now how would i know that they would mix gravy and french fries? (phhbbt!)
ruminations at its best by the way people with all the possible whining and moaning.
i can be very impossible at times. just brood and brood. it even irritates me after a while with a sudden urge to get very very high.
with exams coming up, its gona be a frustrating week.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
so today was scary. for me. for the pregnant lady who clutched my hand so tight.
she was a musu lady with a child of about two in her hand trying to get a bloody rick in that hot weather and uncomfortable humidity. shes standing in front of a crowded bus stop and none of those bloody idiots helped her find a rick let alone comfort her. damn.
felt so jittery for a while. ive never seen someone in labour pains before. i helped her till the station, found her husband, cleared the traffic for thier rickshaw to reach the station with the other kid staring into my eyes very oblivious to his mother's pain. it was just so scary. i really hope that her husband took her in time. neway. i was so nervous about that lady but yet i had to leave and all i cud think of later was her and her to-be baby..she had to break her fast of roza too..
had almost like a terrible week. absolutely. mentally, emotionally, physically.
if only i would'nt feel the way i do. if only. i so gota rush things with myself now.
its just like the exact opposite of the way you wanted your barbie to be. but then you learn to accept and move on. i got this real good book called "you are here" and believe me it helps. so much! the author is the one who writes the column of "being single in the city" in mumbai mirror.. and she writes it so well. haha. its pretty sophie kinsella type. nehow.
so much to write, but it aint right.
Monday, August 25, 2008
its taking a toll on me now. damn. damn. theres so much u want to write in ur "personal" blog but still cant but neway. lets just say, not a very lively weekend. lousy one actually.
hmmm.. so now yea, have lots to do that'll keep me busy and help me not think. good. have exams jus two weeks from now. uuurrgghh!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
thats how far it is. but do i go there EVERYDAY?
neway. not been keeping well for two days now. two days. its so annoying. urrgghh.
i love madagascar.
i so do.
smile and wave boy!
just smile and wave!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
neway, so yeah. its me. thats the issue, realised that today. i guess im jus not made that way or rather im jus point blank stupid or blind maybe.
a lil hurt, a lil sad.
a lil lost.
need like a big hug. for a few minutes maybe.
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
surrender always comes with resistance.
ill remember this, always.
i dragged my friend along after the break and got cursed later. had a very wierd day today. things at coll are all very wierd with all the politics and its not even a month that coll has started! hah!
neway. missed my bro terribly today, sunno why. lets not talk about that, makes me very nostalgic. so yea. other than that, today pretty much was wierd.
very much of nostalgia.
was coming back home in the train when i was standing at the doorway, it was raining. dunno but i was longing for sumthin. i dunno wat it was. i dunno wat that feeling was.
u know, that ache.
why, i dunno.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
im so tired. its been a long week. a very good one. but a long one. made a newspaper today:)
my friends helped, big time. they actually took out time for me. sweet. so sweet.
love them, so much.
plus im losing wieght (im serious :!)
plus i made a poster :)
plus u know, :) *blush*
plus i love shantaram :)
im all smiles :)
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
and its raining all long. it was such a tiring day. atleast work was satisfying. plus then i hope i have a better day tomorrow. .mums pissed.. coz of me. damn me. neway its really late, plus i have an early day tomorrow :)
(u wont get the joke, its between me and well...me):)
Sunday, August 3, 2008
food and water is the only best thing that has happnd to me. humph!!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
It’s like having a constant headache. But I guess this too shall pass.
It’s so surprising that even though I got two huge elated news today, im still not elated even a bit. And the most irritating of it all is that I have no bloody idea why I feel the way I do. I mean my life is not that depressing ya!
I dunno but ive been obsessed with this song of gnr. November rain.
Love this part:
And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothing' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
if only I could not care about so many things in life, I guess id rather be more serene. But then it’s hard to keep an open heart :)
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
That’s fray. And I’ve come to terms with the song.
Id attempted racket ball once with Kate, in school, and I’d almost thrown the racket in her face. I still remember her expression; I’d thought she was going to kill me.
“ It was just an impulsive act, im so sorry! I think we’d better go to the doc, it looks bad.” Kate’s grueling face didn’t really soothe me down. Just as we entered the clinic, the receptionist gave a snort. Kate did look funny. She was perspiring; her hair was all over the place, even though we had spent almost the entire evening putting it into a nice bun, chic and classy. But I guess it didn’t really turn out that well.
Then my life changed.
I’m gonna tell you how.
I saw this incredibly gorgeous man coming towards us. He was wearing an apron, which was so white; I actually had my eyes watering. Right, he’s our doctor who was going to make Kate look normal again. The doctor. How can doctors be so cute?? That’s when Kate threw that dirty questioning why-are-you-so-amused look?
I was startled to see her eyeing me with such suspicion. I remember once in college, before we graduated and then became roommates, we used to help each other find dates for Saturday nights. We used to talk in weird eye contacts about who’s cute, and who can have him. Which usually used to turn out to be, none.
“Hi, Im Dr. McGuire, David McGuire, I will be your doctor.” It was like Bond. James Bond. “ Hi. Im sam…Er…samata. My friend here, Kate, we were kind of, we were playing, and you know how these balls are..” What am I saying?? Oh my god. I said balls, didn’t I?? He was looking at me trying to figure what I said. And his utterance didn’t look good.
“ Uh. So what do we have here? A bruised nose? All right. Let’s get you inside.”
“ We were playing football”, said Kate.” And Miss im-so-good-at-this, right here, pushed me to the ground, or rather savagely attacked me and made me look like this”. “ I did not savagely attack you!”
“ Its all right Miss, sam, is it??”
“Yes, samata actually, but you can call me sam”
“ So do you guys do this often?”
“ I tackle people for fun! Yes, that’s me!” I’m going to kill Kate.
“ So you work for the night shift,” I say.
Night shift? What’s wrong with me?? Its 7 o’clock in the evening!
He gave me an uncomfortable look, and then to Kate, who was also staring at me,
And gave me a nod.
I tried to motion something to Kate so that she gets my point, when he was cleaning the blood off her face.
He was applying some sort of glue to her nose and Kate was looking right in his eyes. And then he saw her too. Oh my god. They’re falling for each other! They’re going to married and I’ll be her bridesmaid, weeping, and then they’ll have children and-
“ You have a swollen eye too.” Oh, thank god.
He was looking at her puffy and swollen eye! Did I just knock my best friend down, bleed her, and give her a black eye?? Im so surprisingly strong. And mean.
“ Kate, do you feel all right??” sympathy, yes, which might impress him. Oh, but im the one who bled her. Damn me.
“ So do you guys live together??” he asks.
“ Yes, we do. But we are not what you…I mean we’re just friends. You know, friends who live together…and all that. We’re just roommates. That’s it.”
I sound like a moron.
“ Yes, I get that”. He shifts uncomfortably. “ Even I live with my friend, Brian.”
“ That’s great, just friends living together.” Shut up, shut up!!
“ Sam, I think it’s my turn to ask whether you’re feeling all right?” Kate says.
“ I just have this weird headache, im sorry, can you excuse me for a moment?”
I walk up to the cooler. Swearing under my breath. When Dr. McGuire comes from behind. “ Sam, its all right that you bruised your own friend, things like this happen, you have to have control on your fears..” oh my god. He looks so good. I can’t stop looking his eyes.
“Are you listening to me?”
“ Right, yes, I do. Im sorry. I was a bit shaken. Thinking whether id broken her nose or not or something like that...”
“ David, I need you!” Kate calls out. David? Did she just say that?? Wish id broken her nose.
I follow David, and I see her with the bandages in her hands again. Somehow, she’d managed to remove them because it itched. An itch deprived me of that wonderful conversation with David.
“ Does it pain??” I ask in a devilish way.
Shit. Two minutes ago I was agonizing her pain, im such an ass.
“Darn! Why did you have to tackle me neways? I’d just passed the ball to you!”
“I don’t know…it looked as if you were going to attack me with that ball…so I reacted! It was a reflex!”
“Reflex!” muttered Kate with the most disgusting expression her face. As a matter of fact she does look fat when she sits. We were discussing about it last night of how when she sat down her paunch was visible through her extra-hugging t-shirts. We were looking for a solution for it but then gradually it dawned on us what kind of losers we were and headed to sleep.
“ Brian is actually into advertising and he’s a great guy...” David is rapidly talking to me while we go to get some ice. But I’m not listening. Why is he talking about Brian with me? “ …he’s at a great post but he recently got out of a serious relationship…” oh my god. He’s going to ask me to date this great-guy-Brian. Damn. “ I’m not looking for anything right now you know”, I blurt. “ Oh. Actually I was more of wondering about kate...you know…if she wasn’t dating anybody right now…” he says with a saddened smile obviously taken aback by my reaction. When will I ever learn to shut up? Uugghh…
“ I’ll talk to her later about it” I say sheepishly. “So are you dating anybody?” he asks. Score! Im finally on track! “ Not really, im actually taking some time off from dating to find some real passion in life…” I lie. “ Oh that’s…great.”
we come back to kate and see her fidgeting with her nose trying to keep it up for it to stop bleeding. It looked so funny! David rushed towards her and put some cotton on her when I snorted loud enough for a man in a coma next doors to hear.
But somehow Kate started laughing too and realizing that it was ok to laugh David gave a hearty laugh too. He had such a strong jaw line and he had this-
“Sam, do you still want to catch that movie tomorrow night?’’ Kate asks. “ What movie are you guys watching?” pipes in David. “ Oh it’s a romantic flick down in the theatres this street, oh why don’t you and Brian come? If you’re both free that is…”
And that is why Kate is my best friend. “ Sure, ill ask him and let you know.”
“I think we are all done here. I’ll call you tomorrow” says David after patching my swollen friend up.
We get all the formalities done with and leave when my eyes met with David. They were the most deep green eyes I’d ever seen. And we both seemed to stare at each other a little longer than we should have and that’s when I knew that’s more to this man than just looks. There was something very deep inside those that I desperately wanted to know and I thought about him all night after coming home. I told Kate all about her dating Brian and me liking David. She said that id completely made a fool of myself for the first impression. But I still knew that something was going to happen.
Later the next day David called our apartment and left a message saying that him and Brain would come pick us up at 7. Kate and I got dressed in suitable just-going-for-a-movie clothes and waited for the guys to pick us up. It somehow didn’t feel that I didn’t know David. Somehow I had this feeling that it was ok, its just David.
“ Hello ladies, this is my friend Brian, Brian this is Kate and Sam.” David introduced us and we got along in a cab for the movie.
We had the last seats to ourselves, as the theatre was relatively empty. We got popcorn and some snacks and the movie started. Halfway down the movie David and me could see Kate and Brian already making out. It was so embarrassing, believe me! “Oui! Get a room!” David yelled at the recent lovebirds. We shifted in our chairs a little and I somehow just burst out laughing so hard there were tears running down my chin! David couldn’t control himself either. The movie got really boring in the end so we decided to leave the lovebirds and go out for a walk.
It was a frosty cold night with a lot of wind to top it all. It made no difference at all though. We hardly talked either. Just walked together.
We got married in the next spring. We have a baby named Michelle.
Yeah. My life changed.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
I really can’t understand sometimes why we act the way we do? Sometimes we become intolerably whiny and some times we are unimaginably upbeat! Its like mood swings are a part of our daily life…a mere split personality lies in everybody. At times you act like total saints and the next moment you’re wicked as hell! And the things you do when you’re alone, makes you think at times ‘Was that really me posing in front of the mirror??’
And then you laugh, cry.
At the drop the hat, you cry, for again, very weird reasons like umm…why do your parents always correct you? Well, that’s their job!
Why does everything go wrong? They wouldn’t be wrong if they were right!
Why doesn’t he like me? Umm…because, he doesn’t! Accept it. Its not like the entire human male species is going to be head over heels for you!
Why do my exams always, that is, always go so freaking pathetic? Because there is something called studying for exams too!
Why don’t these clothes fit me? Lose some weight and you’ll look as thin as Kate moss!
Why am I always unhappy with life? Look at the brighter things in life; it’ll brighten your life.
And then you give advices, and then you make the same mistakes you give advices for.
‘Why don’t you use a different color? That would make you look thinner’
The next day you find yourself wearing the exact, same color.
‘ Why don’t you dump him? He’s total crap’
Few days later you’re walking hand in hand with him.
‘ It’s better you forget things and move on, otherwise you’re just wasting your time’
Then you spend the entire day thinking about it.
‘ I think you should wear flip-flops’ ‘ do you like them?’ ‘Are you crazy? I hate even the sight of them!’
And then you embarrass yourself, in front of the entire sighted world. You may also call it your unlucky days.
You fall on the steps of a posh restaurant because of the stilettos you just bought.
You ruin your shirt while having doughnut in the office.
You race behind a bus and still not get it to see a similar bus riding right past you while you marathon. There are some people trying not to laugh while the others are laughing their head off!
You forget to zip your pants.
The crow shits on your white shirt.
You stumble on escalators (well, people don’t know you’re afraid of them!)
You forget to wax and end up wearing a sleeveless to work.
You burp in the middle of an office meeting. (It was lunchtime half an hour ago!)
And then you have the best days of your life. (Very few if seen numerically)
Your boss just gave you a raise.
You reached the office before time.
You had the most amazing dinner. With sushi and all that.
You did not have to pay anywhere the whole day because your boss was with you.
The cutest guy in the world asked you out.
You cooked deliciously.
You got your nails done. For free. It was Christmas scheme!!
So there you are. Weird. Irritating. Lovely. Normal!
“I don’t know how it happened…Im so sorry rhea… I’ve been so stupid”.
“You don’t need to apologize, its not going to change anything.” I said.
“ I have to ask you this, why? Why did you do this??” I asked tears streaming down my face. “ I don’t know how it got so serious, I didn’t realize what I was doing, and I didn’t realize I was in love with her-
“You’re in love with her?? You didn’t even think about your family? Your six-month old baby for Christ sake? When did all this start?” I choked.
“ Everything happened so fast, when you were pregnant with Rehaan, we met…oh… it was all a mistake…”
“A mistake?? You have been seeing this woman for the past one year when I was carrying our child, taking care of him all by myself because supposedly you were caught up with your so called work! When you say you love her, and claim its all a mistake?? What kind of a person are you!?”
“I understand what you’re going through, I-
“No you don’t! You bloody don’t!” I stormed out of our kitchen, grabbed my coat and left. He was calling back to me, my baby was crying but I didn’t seem to care.
I was walking, walking towards…. nothing. Everything was pitch dark.
I never thought it would happen to me. Never imagined I would be in the place where once my mother was. I remember my father leaving. He had abandoned us.
And my mother knew, all along, but she still took all of it. I never understood why until I asked her. I still remember her answer. Vividly.
“Because I loved him”
And she had cried her whole life.
She was weak. She was weak to stand up to her rights, her self respect.
But I’m not going to make the same mistakes she’d done. I was not going to let him ruin me. Not be one of those women who make their children or rather, their love, their weakness. I realized that I’d stopped crying long time back.
I walked back to the door and opened it to find him feeding our baby.
“I’ll send in the divorce and custody files on Monday morning to your office. I expect you to leave this house early morning tomorrow.”
I could see his expression, shocked. Not because of what I said, but because I was saying it.
Rehaan is 16 years old now, happy and living.
Something’s can never change, you can.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Sublimes all of my despair
my bare feet touches the grass,
my white gown strikes in the eye,
I left my man at the altar,
it rains very slowly and I falter;
I take it all in, and it begins.
My love for you, as white as forever,
But my life for you, as black as never.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
I try to touch you,
But you’re far!
I try to draw you,
But you’re so tiny!
I’m holding out my hand,
Why are you so hard on me?
Can’t you hear me?
You blink all the time…
Can’t you see me?
I’ll climb up the terrace…
You still seem so far!
Maybe you don’t want to be friends with me.
You’re only close to the moon…
Maybe you’re a loner, a snob!
You can only blink, you can’t even answer…
I can do homework, im smarter!
How do you like that?
Friday, April 18, 2008
Education received in any area, in any field is eventually considered as knowledge put to use. If the entire section of students attempts this rat race for entering the field of technicality then how will all the other jobs be given justice? All of us expect our nation to come forward in the competition with the best ecologists, industrialists, artists, musicians, literature and so much more even though we refrain the young blood to come forward in such areas where there is enough glory and recognition as any other strong contenders of the science section. Children are good learners from their own mistakes and should at least given a chance to prove their capabilities and competency to survive. This universal acceptance of only the intelligent being wise and stealing the glory should be negated by allowing our children to do the best they can with their capabilities. So how is it possible for us to grow and flourish if we do not think in a wide spectrum?
Our minds should think beyond the horizon, accept the unexpected and live for the future. A broad mind is never accepted in this age of living. People are still bound with their own beliefs and have locked themselves in the world of feign and perfunctory duties. Its requisite for us to understand and absorb the versatility of an individual as they come into this world, expected to be loved and understood.
Every individual should have their own command on life so as to see this world from their eyes and stumble occasionally to reach perfection. Its high time that parents accept and respect their children’s desires and decisions as there is no teacher who is as good as children themselves.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
to you and Led Zeppelin absolutely makes me wonder.
This one song that i love...here it goes:
STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN..
There's a lady who’s sure
All that glitters is gold
And she’s buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she’s buying a stairway to heaven.
There’s a sign on the wall
but she wants to be sure
cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook
There’s a songbird who sings,
sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.
There’s a feeling I get
when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen
Rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who standing looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.
And its whispered that soon
if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn
for those who stand long
and the forests will echo with laughter.
If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow
don’t be alarmed now,
Its just a spring clean for the may queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by
but in the long run
There’s still time to change the road you’re on.
And it makes me wonder.
Your head is humming and it wont go
In case you don’t know,
The pipers calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow,
And did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.
And as we wind on down the road
our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
the tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
to be a rock and not to roll.
And she’s buying a stairway to heaven.
Friday, March 28, 2008
why the distance?
why the numbness?
Am i so far from myself?
that i dont feel?
or just the emptiness becoming more hollow?
A life coming to existence,
a light seen from a distance,
the forced calling out for freedom,
can i break this dormancy?
can i outwit the increasing void?
let me scream,
let me free,
let me be,
then i can feel the numbness,
reach the endless...
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Or you can also feel the pain?
Distant cries of plea,
Shouts and protests gone in vain?
A life that threatens your existence,
With growing number of the helpless.
You can shout slogans of assurances and assistances,
And does it always turn out to be useless?
You don’t care what becomes of the poor the way you care what becomes of your child,
Because your child borne sufferings of your misleading while the poor,
A leader? A survivor? A fighter?
Are you the one in question?
Brace yourselves, its time.